well I'm back. i just took my first american shower so i feel really clean. warm water is such a luxury. its the small things that make such a big difference. i went to my best friends house late last night to catch up and hang out. it was so nice to be in the company of someone who knows everything there is to know about me. but its also extremely weird. I'm not sure why, and I'm determined to figure this out, but its always so much harder to adjust to American culture than it is Haitian culture. readjusting feels like living in a dream. every little detail about daily life and activities is so different. when i go to Haiti, i have no problem picking up on where life left off there because its simple and most of what i spend my time on is focused on human interaction. the US is not like that. everything we have and do here involves such a process. most of our lives are spent on technologies that we believe to be necessary but i live there just fine, maybe even happier, without. theres no TV, constantly staring at cell phones, driving cars on elaborately planned roads in cities with all kinds of fast food buildings and super markets. its just a lot of unnecessary luxuries that make life such a complicated process. we live in a wealthy country with so many opportunities and that really is so great. but it creates an entirely new set of problems. it can be overwhelming but i think it will be easier each time i do it. it hasn't caught up to me yet but it doesn't seem real yet. I still feel like America is the future in some weird twisted dream i am having. hazy and a bit bizarre.

Carole asked me last night about my initial thoughts and reaction. I don't think I gave her a very good answer but I've had a little more time to think. I think and honestly feel like i fit in really well at the House of Hope. I seem to get a long well with the other missionaries living there. I think Carole is smart and has such a great heart. I haven't met Carl but I'm bound to eventually and I'm sure that will be fine. i love the girls and though they can be a handful at times they are the sweetest kids who just need to be loved and encouraged. i don't speak enough kreyol to talk to the staff but i want to learn and I'm willing to work hard to do so. there are days where i felt like what i was there to do wasn't going to be in the least bit helpful or make a difference in anyones life. but i also know that these things take time and it will be a while before i see first hand the fruits of my labor. i love the culture and i want to help the haitian people live a good life full of joy and happiness, whatever that may look like for them.

I've got a list of every item in my storage space there so now I need to go through and fill in the gaps a little. Id like to come up with a good outline of a plan to start an after school program, a program for kids who can't afford school, and some classes for adults and other members of the neighborhood if there is any interest. Im also going to start raising my support for my return trip which is looking like about 5 months at this point but I'm hoping for 6 months. with airfare and room and board I'm hoping to raise around $1,500. I have an interview for graduate school in Denver, Colorado on February 26 so ill be preparing myself for that as well.

There are more pictures on my phone that I will be working to get posted on here in the next few days. I have a bit of a sinus infection from being a little sick and leaving the tropical sunshine to come home to cold &rainy. It may take a few more days that what i hoped or intended. I need to unpack, do laundry, learn some kreyol, etc. I probably won't keep up with the blog as often while Im here as I did in Haiti. but check back every few days and Ill do my best to keep up.

orevwa!

banana pediasure smells so weird

i just dumped out around 160 cans of expired pediasure and powder formula. I'm not sure what makes me more sad: that something so useful had to be wasted or that i had to pour it all down the toilet so some desperate mother somewhere wouldn't pull it out of the trash and use it. it makes me sad to have to throw away so much in a place where some people have so little. however, i guess its better to throw it away than to have sick babies everywhere.

everyone here was really down yesterday. i think it was the weather. it rained for about 10 minutes last night but it was cloudy &overcast before hand. i think people can sense the change before it happens &it messes with our mood. theres also a cold going around.

I'm going to try out one last project tonight with the older girls and middle girls. but first its nap time and hopefully a little play time in there somewhere. its my last night here so I'm cooking &hopefully sitting on the roof with paul and shara all night. not sure I'm ready to go home. I've been here for two weeks but it feels more like just a few days. i sort of have a routine here and i like it. this just seems to be right.

"but the fruit of the spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. against such things there is no law." Galatians 5:22-23
this is the verse the middle girls learned last night. but I'm learning it too. the only difference is I'm trying to learn it through experience. the older i get the less likely i am to listen to other people's advice. its immature of me to live that way but I'm learning so much more by figuring it out on my own. maybe we should all try to learn a little more than we teach. maybe some things just can't be taught. either way, i want the fruits of the spirit to BE my life. those things grow more and more important to me, especially in this place at this time. i want to see love, joy, peace, etc. in every moment, good or bad. its not always easy, but its always worth it.